to M

You don't appear to understand how painful this is for me, and how painful it has been despite your own longing for love. You say you can't understand how I can love you still when I need to cut myself off from you to protect myself from the pain and loss, but I really can't wrap my head around how it is that we have this beautiful love together, something we both want, need, worked so hard to nurture, once_in_a_lifetime, never again opportunity and you're willing to toss it casually just to maintain some made-up ideology that you aren't capable of achieving. You can't manage a single household adequately and yet you believe you can have two equal emotionally intimate relationships and somehow be able to satisfy both...? Really Matthew? How can ideology possibly trump love? How can you love an abstract concept more than me, a real, breathing, living, warm blooded person who loves you deeply, unless your love isn't real? Why so stubborn? Why so incapable of taking what you want when it's right in front of you? I could be everything that you want and say you need. No one understands you better, no one meshes better with your unique personality traits. I'm not even asking that you give up anything, just commit to something you say you need, longed for and suffered from its absence for a long time. That is some kind of crazy. I know it's been a bumpy road to here - great things require effort, and that's not a bad thing. 


I've accepted that this can't move forward despite this inexplicable loss I feel so I'm not trying to change your mind. Before I never see you again though, I need to understand how you can love me and still be so unwilling to commit to me. It just looks like it's some kind of game for you and not love. Did you ever really love me?

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