I miss you so much

Missing you. Suppressing the urge to text you. Wondering where you are now, what you're doing, how you're feeling. Wondering if your experience is similar to mine: sadness, loss, longing, pain in my heart, sickness in my gut. Looking at old texts, photos shared, remembering, melancholy, wishing we were together, knowing the you in that 'we' is the you I want you to be and not the you who you are. Doesn't help to know that; the you who you are is still damn good and I still love him with all my heart even if we aren't compatible in the way that I need. Wishing things were different but that's a waste of time. It is what it is, nothing to be done.

Naked Dance party Saturday, crowded with beautiful exposed men, boys, a lovely time, sweaty bodies all around me, pressing against me from all directions, can hardly move, feels good, yet difficult to fully immerse, distracted still by the raw sadness of losing my best friend, my love, the one I want to be with as if you died suddenly and unexpectedly a dozen hours earlier. Couldn't really get away from you though I tried, wanted to. Several "yous" at twenty, thirty maybe, same hair, glasses, startling, distracting, younger, prettier, taller, thinner but the resemblance flutters my heart with each glimpse. Then, dancing in front of me, handsome enough, mature, good body, bulldog harness, pierced dick, shorter, more muscular, different than you, catches my eye and locks onto it, interested. We dance, touch, kiss, suck; he warms to me in that way you do, his ass soft and welcoming in that way yours is, I touch him there as I did you that first time, and so it goes. I eat and fuck him, a couple fingers inside, a couple more, he wants it all, just like you, my hand, my arm. He's configured to take it deeper than you, and responds in a way too familiar. We go off to a horizontal place and make love like it was you, just like it was you. Was it you? He feels so familiar, looks at me in that familiar way, moans just like you, encourages me to go deeper, harder, just like you, all the while looking in my eyes, connecting, just like you. The other yous' resemblance caught my eye from habit but this one felt like you, touched like you, skin like yours. I wondered if you'd transformed, your soul assumed a new identity, occupied a different body and came here to meet me, so disguised, for one last good fuck.


I miss you horribly. Can't stop the tears.

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