Another new direction

So, things have changed. Spent the day after sick night in bed, better, still not well, but only low grade fever and lessening diarrhea. Slept on and off, felt much better by nightfall and looked forward to a good night sleep with intent to visit the AIDS services organization the next day for immigration counseling, only I had taken some supplements earlier in the evening to help with symptoms along with my daily medication dose, and now, a couple hours later, sleepy and ready for bed, I thought to take melatonin to ensure sound and long sleep but without thinking, took medication again, effectively doubling the dose. I didn't realize this until right after swallowing the pills. Most HIV medications are fairly toxic and dosages are carefully studied to determine the sweet spot, the dose that most effectively inactivates the virus without causing too many side effects or toxicity. When I realized what I'd done, I panicked a bit, felt again stupid for being so careless and distracted, tried to think back to remember whether I had taken it earlier or not, looked online for information regarding overdose but found only useless info like, "if you take too much by mistake, contact your doctor or healthcare provider immediately." One article with useful information admitted the drug was new and not much was known about adverse reactions to overdose, also that there was no antidote, and the side effect of concern related to heart function so the potential for serious consequence is not small. The same article referenced anecdotally one patient that swallowed a bunch of pills, essentially 70X the recommended dose (suicide attempt…? Why would anyone do that?) and suffered something called a "bifascicular block and PR interval prolongation" which best as I, a non medical person, can tell, affects the electrical impulse that control heartbeat which seems kinda important. Anyway, even at that high dose, the effect spontaneously resolved, but too late, my mind was in a panic, not gonna sleep well now, laying awake waiting for my heart to stop. I couldn't even call a local doctor because they don't have the drug in Germany yet. Fortunately, once again, I didn't die, didn't sleep well, eyes were not clear in the morning, that weird grey with red rather than white but at least not noticeably yellow so hopefully no liver damage.   Still a bit weak, I was slow getting up and around, had planned to be at the AIDS organization when they opened at noon, but got there around 1:30. Staff was friendly enough, told me to wait and that there were a few ahead so it would be a while. The offices are in a commercial office building, the space is Spartan and sterile but clean, kind of what you'd expect. The waiting room was fairly full but probably seats 20 max. Several seemed frustrated, already long wait. I had no place to be so I was fine hanging out, was better than staying in bed and l still lacked energy to be out exploring. Much of what they do there is anonymous HIV testing so again, there's palpable tension. The wait drags on, people are frustrated, impatient, complaining to the attendant. He does what he can. Eventually, I'm the only one left waiting. I wait alone for quite some time, I don't see any other people for a bit and I begin to wonder if everyone left and I've been forgotten. The website says they're open only until three so at ten till, I find the receptionist and ask if they'll still be able to see me today. He apologizes, explains they have two staff out on holiday and it's normally not this long, assures me they will see me still. Soon after three, I'm greeted by an exasperated looking heavy set man with wire framed glasses, receded hairline and scruffy beard.  Odd that social workers look similar regardless of country. Anyway, he apologizes for the wait and takes me back to his office which he shares with a young woman, intern maybe...? At first, i feel strange not talking with him in private, but it's not like I'm asking for classified information or revealing anything terribly private, so I nervously explain my predicament, hoping for some workable solution. The man is friendly, professional, doesn't let the fact that he's rattled from a hectic day show much or throw him off. Her’s present and listens intently, understanding my situation and then explains I have three options: get a job, get married or enroll full-time in an actual university (foreign language school doesn’t count.) As I listen, I feel not so much a sinking feeling, but more confirmation of what I imagined already to be true, the reason I’d avoided looking into it in the first place because it meant I would have to give up this fantasy of being able to live here for a year and still manage my HIV. I don’t want to work, I have no German language skills to work here anyway; I don’t want to marry anyone if I’m only staying here a year, and I’m not going to get another degree, so basically, no year in Berlin.  Three months. I only have three months, one of which is already gone. Well, there is disappointment to be sure but also relief, no need to register my apartment, no need to open a German back account, no need to enroll in foreign language class, just three months of exploring the city and traveling which is really all I wanted to do in the first place, just on a less compressed schedule.  And of course, then what? I have to leave the EU for three months. I could go anywhere outside of the EU, but do I want to spend three months in North Africa?  The EU extends as far east as I’d be interested in traveling.  And what about medication?  That also runs out in two months and I’m without a way to acquire it.  Could go back to Austin, try to get MAP, David Powell and free drugs as I did when I moved there, but I had no assets then and the system wasn’t overloaded as it is now. It’s unlikely I’d qualify. Again the news: the house passed the new, new healthcare reform, repealing protections and making it also impossible for someone like me to get insurance or at least makes it outrageously expensive. So, I decide to enroll, the process isn’t as long and arduous as I thought. I qualify for aid so it’s less than half what I paid for COBRA with better coverage.  I can go back to the states when this is over, pick up another 3 month supply of drugs, my car and camping gear, and travel around the US.  I bought that car specifically for camping anyway.  I can go to naked campgrounds, see parts I’ve never seen, revisit the Rockies, live there without living anywhere, insulated (hopefully) from the news and the horrible political climate.  When the three months are over, I get another three month supply of medication and move to Madrid, base there, check out Portugal, UK, more of France.  Not so bad, just a lot more costly than the original, but not so bad… Immediately made plans to see Canary Islands, will travel also to Prague and Budapest, maybe go back to Ile du Levant if I have time. Anyway, enough worrying, it's sunny, finally. I'm heading out to see some Berlin.