The Nightingale Outside my Window

Today the Neues Museum. Like everyone else on the planet, I've been captivated by the beauty of the Nefertiti bust all my life but also fascinated by the process, how it was made, materials used and as the only so well preserved example of Egyptian art, also the only opportunity to maybe get a feel for those things. It's finally sunny out, warm but not quite enough for naked day at the park. Taxi to the museum. It's a lovely building displaying fragments of relics chronicling the habitation of the region as well as fragments of the museum itself so similar to plaster fragments of Egyptian temple walls assembled in place, missing bits filled in with plaster, so too fragments of the museum that was largely destroyed in WW2 float within a matrix of exposed brick or other new materials. Sadly  I learn the museum once exhibited the only fully intact Egyptian temple to survive into modern times, sculptural details and polychrome decoration preserved like a mummy for cen...

Immobilized by sadness like a lead blanket over my body, preventing me from moving. no motivation to leave the apartment, leave the bed even. Where's that catheter when I  need it...? I want to be with him so bad but i know it's not right. I resist the urge to reach out and contact him but it's so strong, it feels natural, normal to contact him. And what if i do? He may not respond, he might be angry or more likely afraid of being hurt again. Who could blame him. I don't accept his chosen life and want to bend him to my needs. Contacting him won't make me feel better, it will just make me want what I know I can't have. It's different from the others. By the time I ended those relationships, I was too angry to ever want to contact them again, any feeling of love and connection was already long gone but not this time. He really hasn't done anything wrong other than not know himself and who's not guilty of that? If anything, my love and connec...

So, things have changed. Spent the day after sick night in bed, better, still not well, but only low grade fever and lessening diarrhea. Slept on and off, felt much better by nightfall and looked forward to a good night sleep with intent to visit the AIDS services organization the next day for immigration counseling, only I had taken some supplements earlier in the evening to help with symptoms along with my daily medication dose, and now, a couple hours later, sleepy and ready for bed, I thought to take melatonin to ensure sound and long sleep but without thinking, took medication again, effectively doubling the dose. I didn't realize this until right after swallowing the pills. Most HIV medications are fairly toxic and dosages are carefully studied to determine the sweet spot, the dose that most effectively inactivates the virus without causing too many side effects or toxicity. When I realized what I'd done, I panicked a bit, felt again stupid for being so careless...

So, last night was horrendous. I had a follow up appointment at the glamour doctor in the afternoon. Got there a bit early, checked in and was asked to wait in the hallway in front of a large mirror on an orange plastic chair, like a Möbius strip, rolled to form a seat and back, one of two, the other occupied by a young man engrossed in his cellphone. Again, the clinic is an older Georgian building, high ceilings, plaster mouldings all around, everything white except the chairs. While waiting, three very handsome young men walked up, also instructed to wait there it seemed, all three model-like looks and dress, one clearly very upset, face swollen, eyes puffy red, recently crying, hands trembling uncontrollably as he fumbled around with his phone, quivering lower lip, emotionally unraveling, coming apart at the seams. I thought how I can't remember ever being that nervous. His companions were more stoic, stern faced, there for support I assume. HIV diagnosis? I'm not sure what...

Missing you. Suppressing the urge to text you. Wondering where you are now, what you're doing, how you're feeling. Wondering if your experience is similar to mine: sadness, loss, longing, pain in my heart, sickness in my gut. Looking at old texts, photos shared, remembering, melancholy, wishing we were together, knowing the you in that 'we' is the you I want you to be and not the you who you are. Doesn't help to know that; the you who you are is still damn good and I still love him with all my heart even if we aren't compatible in the way that I need. Wishing things were different but that's a waste of time. It is what it is, nothing to be done. Naked Dance party Saturday, crowded with beautiful exposed men, boys, a lovely time, sweaty bodies all around me, pressing against me from all directions, can hardly move, feels good, yet difficult to fully immerse, distracted still by the raw sadness of losing my best friend, my love, the one I want to be with ...

And so it was. Comfort clothes, walk to train, cold, walk, train, walk, stand. In line maybe 15, 20 standing, only two at a time in, long pause between. I wait, handsome men, shifting feet, nervous, a courtyard, stairs down, karaoke bar with changing led lit frosted glass window glow purple, blue, green. Off-key renditions of 90s hits, belted, brought to you by ethanol. I realize I'm in Berlin, standing in line to get into a naked dance party crowded with over 300 men, naked men. This is amazing. And so it was. I'm on the dance floor with ball weights and tennis shoes, swinging my nuts like nobody's business, surrounded, pressed, cramped by beautiful naked men, techno beat, repetitious. I dance, swing my weighted balls to the beat, go inside, let the beat move me, come out again, see the mass of bodies, dicks, butts, beautiful skin on beautiful men, glowing under colored lights, smooth, perfect. One approaches, handsome, mature, nice figure, bulldog harness, we start to da...

It was amazing. Not specifically gay and I saw maybe four women there with, I assume, straight guys, and then several hundred gay men, all shapes, body types, mostly hot, handsome mature men, beautiful twinks, all naked but shoes, all dancing to monotonous German techno, dance floor packed, guys having sex openly on the floor and in the dark spaces around the perimeter. Somehow, I connected with a fisting bottom, played with him for a couple hours, hand, dick, mouth on/in his ass, bred a hot muscle boy with a beautiful ass after he'd been bred by a couple of others, got fucked by a couple guys, danced more and left just as first hint of light in the sky. I had a harder time than normal being present because still sad, but even still, this place is so much fun and what a great place to sooth my broken heart.