Deep Sadness


Immobilized by sadness like a lead blanket over my body, preventing me from moving. no motivation to leave the apartment, leave the bed even. Where's that catheter when I  need it...? I want to be with him so bad but i know it's not right. I resist the urge to reach out and contact him but it's so strong, it feels natural, normal to contact him. And what if i do? He may not respond, he might be angry or more likely afraid of being hurt again. Who could blame him. I don't accept his chosen life and want to bend him to my needs. Contacting him won't make me feel better, it will just make me want what I know I can't have. It's different from the others. By the time I ended those relationships, I was too angry to ever want to contact them again, any feeling of love and connection was already long gone but not this time. He really hasn't done anything wrong other than not know himself and who's not guilty of that? If anything, my love and connection to him is stronger than ever but I can't continue with the intermittent nature of the relationship, pausing my feelings when he's not available, allowing him the freedom he needs. Why am I so attached to him? Why can't I let him go? I long to know he's ok. Just to check in. It's so distracting, I can't focus on being here, living here. I just sit in bed, thinking about him, thinking about being alone for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine meeting anyone at this point. I can't imagine anyone being interested in, let alone love me. The thought is hard, it hurts my heart, makes me wonder why go on with a life of loneliness, a life without love or passion. I feel like an empty shell with no purpose, no drive, nothing. 

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