It's difficult

I won’t lie... The disparity and apparent hierarchy between our relationship and that of your other family bothers me a lot. You are so generous with them, treating them to luxury European vacations, whereas I don’t know that you’ve ever even bought me dinner other than we were taking turns.  Yes, you travel to Austin frequently, but that’s only because you won’t offer a place for me to stay in SF; yes, you paid a high price to stay in Austin a bit longer than planned last time which coincided with the most expensive weekend there for accommodations, but that was damage control after an inappropriate and hurtful outburst, not something pleasant you planned to do for me/us in the same nurturing way you conceived and planned this trip. I even had to accommodate your family on the trip we planned together previously to satisfy you.  Would you have felt the need to accommodate me in a similar manner on this trip? You are much more concerned with taking care of, impressing, nurturing, compensating your ‘real’ family and I end up feeling like your ho, which hurts me. I have more value than that.  I get that part of your generosity with them is guilt - abandonment guilt for Adam, guilt for the time this relationship takes away from your life with Ann, but those aren’t my issues to resolve, yet I feel I'm asked to compromise myself so you can assuage your guilt. I need attentioan too, love, caring and generosity.  I may look stoic and self contained and yes, I’ve had to learn to be, but that does not mean I don’t also have needs and one of those needs is to be shown that I’m appreciated, that all the things I do, the gifts I purchase, the love I give are appreciated and reciprocated. 

monotropic monogamist

You aren’t really polyamorous, you’re more of a monotropic monogamist.  You really only have bandwidth for one relationship so you focus on one at time rather than holding multiple relationships simultaneously.

This is a challenge for me because I'm forced to turn my own feelings on/off to accommodate whichever relationship has your attention at the moment. I can't really do that. I'm on or I'm off. When you shift away, I turn off. When you shift back toward me, it's not so easy to turn back on again, suddenly to suit your schedule. There's a real possibility it may not happen at all. 


“Monotropic individuals tend to become too focused on a certain object or activity and find difficulty in shifting their attention, whereas a polytropic individual is capable of spreading his or her attention to multiple things at one time.” (Wikipedia) 

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