I am a freak

Even here, people look at me like I'm a freak. I don't know what they see. I don't think I look that exceptional.


Tonight: piss party at lab, something I've thought about, fantasized about, jerked off too pretty much since I knew it existed. Tonight's the real deal. Will it live up to my hype...? These things aren't actually easy for me, social anxiety kicks in anyway. I have to really work to suppress it. Used to be, I'd get myself so worked up driving to one of these things, that I'd shudder uncontrollably and bust a cold sweat. It's not quite that bad now, but it's still strong. My heart is pounding. Then, I can have my little freakout alone, in the car while I was driving. Now, I'm having it in a public place; I'm on a train, the subway. It's busy but not crowded. It makes the anxiety a little harder to cope with because I can't really show it; they'd think I was overdosing on something. I am kinda, but it's natural and won't kill me in the short term.

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